Top 10 Things Americans Should Fear

Let's be honest, I don't want to write a self explanatory intro and you don't want to read it. Onward.



1. Terror TERROR



It could come from anywhere, it could even be inside of you right now. Never mind the fact that it is not a noun, that just means it cannot be destroyed. We should fear terror as if it were fear itself. Waiting and hiding in the hair of your armpits like highly trained guerrilla warriors. Do gorillas have wars? Because now I can't get the image of Donkey Kong grasping his captain's dog-tags (who knows what they would call them), vowing to destroy that meddling princess for the death of his unit. That's right. She killed them. Terror does not discriminate based on species, royalty, or sex. It does however discriminate upon religion because Christians never create or use terror, just like all plumbers are physically fit and gifted jumpers. Seriously, did they run practice laps on those worlds or what? Was it all there before the terrorizing growth of turtles and mushrooms, or are plumbers not telling us something?


2. A.D.D.




Americans have become infested with ADD. This productivity killer can turn a serious issue into a quagmire of irrelevant thoughts and video game references. If you suspect that someone you know has ADD you're probably right, because they are obviously wrong. Could you imagine doing the same thing for more than 20 minutes, I can't. Well I could, but I don't want to spend 20 minutes using my imagination. If those ADD infected people think they can figure it out by thinking for 20 minutes then it's probably stupid anyways. My time imagining would be better spent actually doing something... after I get my coffee.


3. Celebrities



Have you seen how fucking cool they are? How did the best and brightest of our species all happen to be entertainers living in the same town? I suppose that's like asking why Mario, Luigi, and the Princess were the only humans there. Easy, they're the only one's who kicked ass enough to survive. You don't rise to the rank of celebrity because you're empty, easily influenced, and terrorized (see how I worked that in) at the thought of people not liking you. These people are a threat to the everyday American living in the trenches of society. Our only hope is to emulate these people as much as possible. And if we're lucky, maybe someone will mistake us for a celebrity at the mall and then we can play it off like we aren't that person, but secretly we are and just don't need a bunch of normal people hassling us all day. The fact of the matter is you are either with the celebrities (true Americans), or against them. Remember, they are a problem because they set the bar way too high.


4. Ron Paul



Um, less government? No war? No income tax? How the hell is our government supposed to support it's enormous weight if we can't charge Americans to pay for the war? These 'Paulbots' would have you believe that companies profiting from the war should pay for it, and not the American taxpayer. Ok, well, how could these companies pay for the war if we weren't fighting in it? You can see how illogical and selfish their ideas are. There are people, perhaps not even nouns themselves, who may carry ADD into battle against our celebrities. Could you imagine? Again, I won't, because the terror of Ron Paul is more frightening than any fantasy of mine. You'll thank me for this warning when our troops finally reach the oil, and the price of gas goes back down to a dollar per gallon. Or when they find out exactly who it was that hid the WMD's. One or the other.


5. Harry Potter



Ok, I just hate that kid. Really. If you can look at someone and hate them then their insides must be even worse. What kind of man protects himself by holding a woman in front of him? I know there are people out there who love him and read all his books, and that's fine, if you're twelve and your imaginary friends like to read too. As an American, I'm programmed to dislike any topic, idea, team, style, show, or woman that I did not initially catch on with. This is why I don't watch "Lost", listen to podcasts, like the Patriots, pop my collar, or currently sleep with that hot chick from the coffee shop I never go to because I assume everyone there is a pretentious asshole. This Potter guy is the phenomenons poster child. No self respecting American is going to read one book and then be inspired to read seven more. I just read one for God's sake, stop trying to pressure me! The only thing reading ever taught anyone to do is read more, which is what got you there in the first place. New ideas = Thinking = Change = Terror.


6. People



Thank God we finally live in a society that has begun to crack down on people. In the past some of these people (you couldn't really call them Americans) attempted to terrorize the rest of us by removing pieces of clothing or burning plants. It's hardly human or natural. Especially when they could be supporting Americans and the economy by purchasing a smooth pack of Marlboro Reds or a great pair of jeans from the Gap. There are other people who think we need to protect the Earth by limiting commercial development or making small cars like those Orientals. Hello... it's not like the Earth is flat and we eventually run out of room, it extends forever as far as I can tell. These people live in a country with a government willing to support and make decisions for them, and yet they don't agree with all of their policy and law. You're either a person or an American, make a choice.


7. Math



Idle numbers are the devils playground. To use them in equations or proofs is tantamount to witchcraft. There are even numbers which can pose a threat just by mentioning them, and the odd ones are just as bad. The worst number in math's mighty arsenal has to be 0.8181818. If you don't understand why then be thankful you don't know. Like the friend who warned me about two girls, one cup, I implore you to leave that number alone. Americans would be best to to forget math and get on with their lives. If there is one thing you can count on, it's a calculator, and that's all I'll ever need.


8. Incomplete Top Ten Lists



See #2 and #7

If you're upset that you've been shortchanged then you've only admitted you want to read more of my rambling, and if you are happy to end here then I served you well. Americans win!


-- Joseph Aguirre